Do perfect men have big muscles?  Do perfect women have big breasts?  Do perfect couples have lots of children?  Do perfect husbands earn upwards of $100K a year?  Do perfect wives cook delicious meals?

Do perfect people have lots of friends?  Do perfect people have loads of life experience?  Do perfect people ever fail?

Yeah!  You bet they do!  All of this and soooooo much more…

Perfect men are scrawny.  Perfect men struggle with obesity.  Perfect men can barely do one pull-up.  Perfect men have bad backs that prevent them from lifting heavy objects.  Perfect men were only born with one arm.

Perfect women have tiny breasts.  Perfect women have fake breasts.  Perfect women have breast reductions.  Perfect women haven’t finished growing their breasts yet.  Perfect women have lost both breasts to cancer.

Perfect couples have one child.  Perfect couples have ten children.  Perfect couples adopt because, medically, they can’t have their own children.  Perfect couples adopt even when they can have their own.  Perfect couples never have children because they don’t want them.

Perfect husbands are stay-at-home dads.  Perfect husbands own multi-million dollar businesses.  Perfect husbands are migrant farmers.  Perfect husbands switch careers in their mid-50’s.  Perfect husbands have no idea what they want to do for a living.

Perfect wives don’t cook because they’re too tired when they get home from work.  Perfect wives only know how to cook Italian food.  Perfect wives hate cooking even though they’re good at it.  Perfect wives are chefs at fancy restaurants.  Perfect wives make Ramen Noodles.

Perfect people are introverts with two close friends.  Perfect people are extroverts with five hundred Facebook friends they communicate with regularly.  Perfect people hangout with their marching band friends.  Perfect people have famous friends.  Perfect people have a best friend with four legs.

Perfect people have traveled and lived all over the world.  Perfect people have yet to explore beyond their hometown in rural Montana.  Perfect people still live at home with their parents.  Perfect people are happy where they are.  Perfect people haven’t figured out how to get to where they want to go.

Perfect people fail a hundred times and lose hope.  Perfect people succeed on their very first attempt.  Perfect people don’t like to admit when they fail.  Perfect people see failure as an opportunity for growth.  Perfect people never fail because they never stretch themselves beyond their comfort zones.

Perfect people have scars on their faces and perfect complexions.  Perfect people have long brown hair at 60 and short grey hair at 35.  Perfect people wear wigs.  Perfect people have sex with men, women, both or none at all.  Perfect people can barely see over the grocery store counter and sometimes bump their heads at the top of doorways.  Perfect people have waistlines that are infinite in size and geometry.  Perfect people have skin tones as light as vanilla ice-cream and as rich dark chocolate.

Perfect people come from every corner of this beautiful planet and can be seen everywhere – even in the mirror.

Yeah!  That’s right!

Perfect is the way we are born.  Perfect is the way we are now.  Perfect is exclusively unique.

We are what perfect is.

Photo by: Movimente

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars.  You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”
— C.S. Lewis

This morning, I received a long email from a reader named Evan who is struggling with letting go of a failed relationship.  In his email he explains, in rather vivid detail, the signs and symptoms of a toxic relationship that has been heading south for many years.  He admits that he needs to let go, but he struggles with it, because doing so means he must finally face reality, which requires him to let go of the idea in his head about how his life and relationship were suppose to be.

One particular line from his email really summed it up well: “I’m learning the hard way that the hardest thing in life is simply letting go of what you thought was real.”

Isn’t that the truth – for all of us, in all walks of life.  We all have an idea in our heads about how things are, or how they’re supposed to be, and sadly this is what often messes us up and stresses us out the most.  Realize this.  Sometimes life doesn’t give you what you WANT because you NEED something else.  And what you need often comes when you’re not looking for it.  You won’t always understand it and that’s OK.  Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it does.  And then just when you think it can’t get any better, it does.

The key is detachment – letting go of the life you expected, so you can make the best of the life that’s waiting for you.  It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.  Here are some strategies for making this happen:

1. Create some healthy space for yourself. – Sometimes you are just too close to the puzzle to see the big picture.  You need to take a few steps back to gain clarity on the situation.  The best way to do this is to simply take a short break – a breather – a vacation – and explore something else for a little while.  Why?  So you can return to where you started and see things with a new set of eyes.  And the people there may see you differently too.  Returning where you started is entirely different than never leaving.
2. Accept the truth and practice being grateful for what is. – To let go is to be grateful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow.  It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that lie ahead.  It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s challenges and changes, to trust your intuition, to learn as you go, to realize that every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward.  (Read The Untethered Soul.)
3. Say less and breathe more when you’re angry. – Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.  True story.  When you’re infuriated with someone, take a few deep breaths, sit quietly and think for a moment.  Acknowledge the true source of your anger.  Anger always bleeds from the inside out.  Remember that we need to fix ourselves first before we attempt to fix or influence others.  Trying to change others is a common recipe for prolonging the suffering.  Taking responsibility for changing yourself, and how you deal with the actions of others, is a recipe for growth, freedom and happiness.
4. Forgive with all your heart, as often as necessary. – Forgiveness is a constant attitude of choosing happiness over hurt – acceptance over resistance.  It’s about acknowledging that we’re all mistaken sometimes; sometimes even the best of us do foolish things – things that have severe consequences.  But it doesn’t mean we are evil and unforgiveable, or that we can’t be trusted ever again.  Know this.  Sit with it.  It might take time to forgive, because it takes strength to forgive.  Because when you forgive, you love with all your might.  And when you love like this, a heavenly, healing light shines upon you.  This forgiveness – true forgiveness – brings you to a place where you can sincerely say, “Thank you for that experience,” and mean it with all your heart.
5. Concentrate only on what can be changed. – Realize that not everything in life is meant to be modified or perfectly understood.  Live, let go, learn what you can and don’t waste energy worrying about the things you can’t change.  Focus exclusively on what you can change.  And if you can’t change something that’s upsetting you, change the way you think about it.  Review your options and then re-frame what you don’t like into a starting point for achieving something different in your life.  (Read Loving What Is.)
6. Make the NOW your primary focus. – Now is the moment.  The past is just a memory.  The future is a mental projection.  You can choose to dwell back in the past for learning and joyous reflection.  You can choose to dwell in the future for visualization and practical planning.  However, any time your awareness floats away to the past or future frequently for negative purposes, you are suffocating your ability to thrive in the only moment you ever have – the NOW.  Past and future literally do not exist right now; feel the freedom in this truth.
7. Embrace your quirks, your mistakes, and the fact that life is a lesson. – Life is a ride.  Things change, people change, but you will always be YOU; so stay true to yourself and never sacrifice who you are for anyone or anything.  You have to dare to be yourself, in this moment, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.  It’s about realizing that even on your weakest days you get a little bit stronger, if you’re willing to learn.  Which is why, sometimes the greatest thing to come out of all your trouble and hard work isn’t what you get, but who you become.
8. Nurture your self-worth. – Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is simply believing you’re worthy of the trip.  And you are!  You are worth it.  Tattoo that right onto your brain… Seriously!  The world starts to respond when you believe that about yourself.  It doesn’t always look like you thought it would, but positive shifts begin to take place when you start to recognize and acknowledge your own self-worth.  So watch your thoughts and stop any self-deprecating thoughts dead in their tracks.  Remind yourself that once upon a time, in an unguarded, honest moment, you recognized yourself as a worthy friend.
9. Pay less attention to people’s judgments. – Most people hasten to judge in a desperate attempt to not be judged themselves.  In other words, their judgments are shallow and based on their own insecurities, and thus not worth worrying about.  And honestly, no one has the right to judge you anyway.  People may have heard your stories, and they may think they know you, but they can’t feel what you are going through; they aren’t living YOUR life.  So forget what they think and say about you.  Let it GO.  Focus on how you feel about yourself, and keep walking the path that feels best under your feet.  (Marc and I discuss this in detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
10. Do everything with a touch of kindness. – Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is… you guessed it… to be kind.  Whatever can be done, can be done more effectively when you add kindness.  Whatever words are spoken, will always be more compelling when expressed with kindness.  The kind deeds you exert in just one moment can have a positive impact that lasts a lifetime.  Your days will be brighter and your years fuller when you add kindness to your purpose.  Choose to be kind every day, and you’re truly choosing to live in a world with less stress and more happiness.
11. Savor life’s goodness. – Life is a bowl of fruit; some fruit are rotten while others are good for you.  It’s your duty to sort through it, toss out the rotten ones and forget about them, while you enjoy eating the good ones.  Don’t be confused by others who seem to be doing the exact opposite.  Ultimately you will realize there are two kinds of people in this world: those who choose to disregard the good fruit and wallow in all the rotten ones, and those who, like you, choose to toss out the rotten ones and savor all the good ones.

Afterthoughts

Letting go is not giving up.  Letting go is surrendering any obsessive attachment to particular people, outcomes and situations.  Surrender means showing up every day in your life with the intention to be your best self, and to do the best you know how, without expecting life to go a certain way.  Have goals, have dreams, aspire and take purposeful action and build great relationships, but detach from what life must look like.

The energy of someone aspiring to create something wonderful, teamed with this kind of surrender, is far more powerful and rewarding than someone determined to create outcomes with a desperate ‘must have’ mentality.  Surrender brings inner peace and joy, and lest we forget that our outer lives are a reflection of our inner state of being.

The floor is yours…

What do you need to let go of?  What thoughts, habits and attachments are creating unnecessary stress in your life?  Leave a comment below and let us know what you intend to do about it.

Photo by: Salvatore Iovene

“Not all those who wander are lost.”
?J.R.R. Tolkien

Sometimes we find ourselves running in place, struggling to get ahead simply because we confuse effort with achievement.  If you’ve been feeling like you missed a door somewhere and have thus been heading in the wrong direction, it’s likely that you got caught up in this sort of confusion.

The good news is, no matter how long you have traveled in the wrong direction, you always have the choice to turn around.  So make that choice today.  Promise yourself that you will NOT…

1.  Follow a specific life path simply to satisfy others.

Sometimes we try to satisfy our parents, teachers, spouses and peers by walking a particular path in spite of the fact that our own inner GPS advises otherwise.  Then, not surprisingly, we wake up one day and we feel completely lost.  If you’re feeling a little lost now, its time to change course.

Life is too short to spend all your time trying to make everyone else happy.  Besides, it’s impossible to please everyone all the time anyway.  At some point, you’ve got to stop caring about what everyone else wants for you, and start actually living for yourself.

Make choices that take your mind, body, and soul into consideration.  You are the only person who knows what’s best for you.  It’s impossible for anyone else to know.  No matter how much you share with them, they are not connected to your deepest desires, intuition, hopes and dreams.  Always, ALWAYS listen to yourself and what you want first.

2.  Sacrifice all your present happiness for future security.

Do not fool yourself into believing that you must live the same day over and over again for the rest of your life, simply because it’s the responsible thing to do.

So many people live daily with unhappy circumstances, and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation.  They somehow believe that conforming to their current circumstances will eventually lead to a life of comfort, security, and peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to their spirit.

Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design into the present.  The very basic core of the human spirit is a natural passion for exploration and growth.  This growth originates directly from our encounters with new ideas and experiences that intrigue us; and hence there is no greater destination in life than to have an endlessly changing horizon – for each day to have a new and different sun.  (Read Buddha’s Brain.)

3.  Focus intensely on not making mistakes.

Don’t commit to making less mistakes; commit to making more of them.  Fail forward.  Mistakes in life are as certain as sunsets and detours.  So why exert energy avoiding the unavoidable?  Embrace it.  The truth is, you aren’t really free until you give yourself the freedom to make mistakes.  So liberate yourself!  Shift your energy from protecting yourself from failure to squeezing more living out of your life.

Get real comfortable with that uneasy feeling of going against the grain and trying something new.  Doing so will always take you to places you never thought you could go.  Try new things, learn and explore freely.  Your good judgment comes from life experience, and life experience comes from your past bad judgments.  You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes.  Disappointment and defeat are the tools life uses to show you the way.

4.  Spend your entire present trying to fix a broken past.

The past isn’t broken.  It can’t possibly be.  It no longer exists.  There is nothing to fix.  There is, however, a present moment that can be lived with presence and power.

Sometimes life doesn’t give you what you want; not because you don’t deserve it, but because you deserve better.  No matter how many times you break down, there should always be a little voice inside you that says, “NO, you’re not done yet!  Get back up!”  That’s the voice of presence and power, which can only speak for you in the present moment.  What you need to realize is, life is a journey, often difficult and sometimes incredibly cruel; but you are well equipped for it as long as you tap into your inner strength in the present, and allow it to flourish forward.  (Read The Power of Now.)

5.  Resist life’s realities that don’t align with your expectations.

Stop stressing over what could have been.  The chances are if it should have been, it would have been.  Life unfolds in unpredictable ways for a reason.  What happens isn’t good or bad.  It simply is.

Happiness is about trusting that what has happened has long-term positive, rather than negative, connotations.  Trust that life is happening for you, not to you.  This “inverse paranoia” of believing everything is for the greater good helps the human spirit face and welcome life’s turbulent changes cheerfully.

The bottom line is that we’re wired to expect the world to be brighter and more meaningful and more obviously interesting than it often is.  If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself, others and the world around you, you may find the happiness that has always eluded you.

6.  Attempt to find the easy shortcut to your goals and dreams.

There is no easy shortcut to anywhere worth going.  You must be willing to make sacrifices.  It’s a process!  It’s a process!  It’s a process!  Ingrain this in your mind.  Achievement takes time.  Success, like washboard abs, is the outcome of a habit.  It’s the relentless daily practice of making small, diligent choices that add up in the long run.  It’s about following through and doing what you said you would do even when no one would notice but you, and knowing in your heart why doing so matters.

In a nutshell, when it comes to working hard to achieve a big life goal of any kind – earning a degree, building a business, or some other personal achievement that takes time and commitment – one thing you have to ask yourself is:  “Am I willing to live a few years of my life like many people won’t, so I can spend the rest of my life like many people can’t?”

7.  Win the approval and admiration of the wrong people.

You cannot make someone respect you; all you can do is be someone who can be respected.  The rest is up to them.  No matter how much you care some people just won’t care back.  It’s not the end of the world.  At some point you have to realize the truth – that they no longer care or never did, and that maybe you’re wasting your time and missing out on someone else who does.

Likewise, don’t waste too much of your time with people who are not supportive of your goals and abilities.  Surround yourself with those who believe in your potential.  Anyone who inspires you to make your half-hearted attempts more whole-hearted through passion and love, is a precious friend and teacher.  These people are out there.  Find them and conquer the world together.  (I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

8.  Keep waiting for the right time.

You cannot wait for the perfect time; it will never come.  If you think now feels like the wrong time, think again.  It’s just uncertainty messing with your mind.  Most of the time you must simply dare to jump.

Today is the first day of a new beginning – the conception of a new life.  The next nine months are all yours.  You can do with them as you please.  Make them count.  Because a new person is born in nine months.  The only question is: Who do you want that person to be?

Right now is the right time to decide.

Afterthoughts

If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never get it.  If you don’t ask yourself the right questions, you’ll always get the wrong answers.  If you don’t take a step forward, you’re always going to be in the same place.  Life is a journey full of choices.  I hope this short article got you thinking differently about the choices you make every day.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What’s something you should NOT do to get ahead?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Photo by: Thomas Hawk

Just a few simple truths we learn on the road of life…

1. The route to our destination is never a straight one. – We take questionable turns and we get lost.  But it doesn’t always matter which road we embark on; what matters is that we embark.  Either way life will likely get a little complicated, and bring unexpected hurdles and changes.  But that’s okay.  Sometimes you have to stumble and feel weak for a little while to realize how strong you really are.  Read Tuesdays with Morrie.
2. Real friends won’t ask you to change who you are. – The RIGHT people for you will love all the things about you that the WRONG people are intimidated by.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be patient, keep being your awesome self, and pretty soon the RIGHT people will love the REAL you.
3. Cheating is a choice, not a mistake, and not an excuse. – If you decide to cheat, and you succeed in cheating someone out of something, don’t think that this person is a fool.  Realize that this person trusted you much more than you ever deserved, and they learned a lesson about who you really are.
4. The past can’t hurt you anymore – not unless you let it. – Forgive and move on!  Forgiveness allows you to focus on the future without combating the past.  Without forgiveness, wounds can never be healed, and moving on can never be accomplished.  What happened in the past is just one chapter.  Don’t close the book, just turn the page.  Cry when you must and push forward.  Let your tears water the seeds of your future growth and happiness.
5. Adversity will come to every person at some point. – How you meet it, what you make of it, and what you allow it to take from you and give to you is determined by your mental habits and personal choices.  In short, you can’t change the cards you were dealt, just how you play the hand.  Read The Last Lecture.
6. Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together. – When things fall apart, consider the possibility that life knocked it down on purpose.  Not to bully you, or to punish you, but to prompt you to build something that better suits your personality and your purpose.
7. Someone else doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right. – Keep an open mind.  The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know.  We all have our own unique path and feelings.  When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.  It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it’s another to think that yours is the only path.
8. Everything has been just the way it needed to be. – In life, we do lots of things.  Some we wish we could take back.  Some we wish we could relive a thousand times.  All of these things, positive and negative, have taught us important lessons and have collectively made us into the person we are today.  If we were to reverse or adjust any of them, we wouldn’t be who we are; we would be somebody else.  So just live, make mistakes, make memories, and take chances.  Never second guess who you are or where you’ve been.
9. Silence is often the loudest cry. – There’s always some truth behind ‘just kidding,’ knowledge behind ‘I don’t know,’ emotion behind ‘I don’t care,’ and pain behind: ‘It’s okay.’  So pay close attention to how people feel, especially those you care for most.  And remember, silence is often the loudest cry.  Sometimes what a person needs most is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
10. The difference between where you are and where you want to be, is what you do. – What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.  Don’t wait until everything is just right; it will never be perfect.  There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions.  But with each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more skilled, more confident, and more successful.  So start doing what you need to do today.  Life is a courageous journey or nothing at all.  We usually can’t become who we want to be by continuing to do what we’ve been doing.  Read The Power of Habit.
11. It’s not who you are that holds you back, it who you think you’re not. – Judging yourself is not the same as being honest with yourself.  Don’t sell yourself short!  You are capable of great things.  And don’t ever let someone else make you feel like you’re not good enough.  If they can’t see how amazing you are, then they’re the one who’s not good enough for you.  Their approval is not needed.
12. Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you. – Smile through the hard times, even though it doesn’t always seem to get any better.  A smile is the first step to fixing things.  The trick is to enjoy life by noticing what’s right.  Don’t wish away your days waiting for better times ahead.  Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you.  Right now is life.  Don’t miss it.

Photo by: Angela Sevin

Surely you remember the good old days – those fun-loving pastimes when the whole world seemed a bit brighter.  Let’s travel back in time.  Shall we?

Here’s how to get back to good…

1.  Accept reality so you can change it.

To move forward in life you must first accept the reality of what it is.  This acceptance provides you with an important starting point from which you can move in any direction you choose.  To deny this reality or to fight against the past will merely waste your time and energy.  To wish that things were different, or to pretend that they are, gets you nowhere.

Instead, visualize the possibilities and the path forward with a calm, collected mind.  Then determine the next logical step that will take you in the direction of your vision and step forward.  Read The Road Less Traveled.

2.  Tap into the abundant resources around you.

When you adopt an attitude that life owes you something you set yourself up for frustration and unhappiness.  Realize instead that life has already provided you with a world filled with abundance, and that creating meaningful value out of this abundance is up to you.

No matter who you are, where you’re from, or what your socioeconomic status is, a life of fulfillment requires commitment and effort from you.  It is through positive, productive choices that you line up life’s abundance in ways that uniquely express your personal dreams and values.

3.  Guard your dreams and go after them.

You need space to try things and create things.  It takes a long time to recalibrate if you let people pull at you all the time.  A lot of stress comes from reacting to stuff.  You have to keep a certain guard up against these negative influences.

Build an emotional barrier and allow yourself to dream and explore the passions that speak to the essence of who you are.  Then let those dreams and passions pull you steadily through the practical, hands-on work of bringing them to life.  Work through each day with diligence and persistence, doing what’s required.  And as you do, stay close to the dreamer that always lives within you.

4.  Loosen your grip.

Sometimes you can hold so tightly to what you know that you deny yourself the opportunity to learn and experience great new things.  And in the back of your mind you know this and it bothers you.  You become so worried about losing comfort that you cease to be comfortable.

When you’re willing to let go a little, you can actually discover and enjoy a lot more.  Because when your energy is not consumed by possessiveness and fear, you have more energy available to experience life.

Instead of striving to hold tightly to everything, let it come, let it go, and let the next moment bring its own unique wonder.  Read The Untethered Soul.

5.  Think about the possibilities.

Each new day greets you with no rules except the ones you place on it.  So greet it with open arms and positive thoughts.  Let the possibilities inspire you and keep you going.  Others may call you an idealist or naive or some other belittling title, ignore them.

Life is not about what you could do, it’s about what you will do.  Write this down: “My life has unlimited possibilities.”  Choose to find these possibilities in everything that comes your way, and no problem will ever be able to conquer you.

6.  Replace “I can’t” with “I can.”

The power of the phrase “I can’t” is frightening.  It makes strong people weak, happy people sad, blinds those who can see, turns the brave into cowards, robs the brilliance of every genius, causes the rich to think poorly, and limits the potential of that highly capable brain inside your head.

Replace “I can’t” with “I can” and then try again.  When you experience a negative circumstance in your life, do not dwell on it.  Be proactive – direct your attention to the possible action steps that will bring you to a positive result.

7.  Help others feel better about themselves.

There’s nothing more rewarding than helping someone realize their own self-worth.  Your life will not likely be measured by a single great achievement; it will be measured by thousands of small ones that all compound on top of one another.  Each time you perform an act of kindness or bring a smile to someone’s face it gives your life more meaning.

So act like what you do makes a difference – it does.

8.  Save some love and respect for yourself.

You can be the most beautiful person on the inside and out in the whole wide world, and everybody who sees you is awestruck, but if you yourself don’t see and feel it, none of it matters.

Every moment you spend doubting your self-worth – every moment you spend negatively judging yourself – is a tragic moment, for it is a moment of your life that you chose to throw away.  Don’t do this.  You only have so many moments.

The love you seek is seeking you at this very moment, you just have to open up to it.

9.  Purge unnecessary headaches.

As Albert Einstein once said, “Excessive possessions, seeking outward success, extreme publicity, luxuries – to me these have always been contemptible.  I believe that a simple and unassuming manner of life is best for everyone, best for both the body and the mind.”

In other words, in thinking, be down to earth.  In necessitates, keep to the essential.  In conflicts, be fair.  In leading others, guide instead of controlling.  In work, tap into your passion.  In relationships, be completely genuine and present.  Keep it all straightforward and simple.  Read The Power of Less.

10.  Indulge in life’s priceless little pleasures.

The foundation of a good life is all around you.  Experience the joy in life’s universal elements…

To find the fresh air and a light breeze exhilarating; to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening stroll; to be thrilled by the sun’s warmth and the flickering stars at night; to be elated over the sound of a rain shower or a wildflower in the Springtime.  Etc.

These are some of the greatest rewards of a truly good life.

Photo by: Jason Eppink